After a deployment, many TDY’s, and a partial short tour, you’d think my military wife meltdowns wouldn’t exist. That I’m learning how to deal…
This is not true.
During our first deployment, I would have a SOLID meltdown once a month. Now that I am looking back on the times, I truly believe I needed the meltdowns to survive.
I wasn’t blaming him for my anger. Because if there was anyone who understood what I was going through- It was HIM.
Emotional tears… not from cutting an onion or having something in your eye. I’m talking about tears that you cannot stop, letting out little kid wails, trying to catch your breath crying.
A good cry helps release toxins from the body that builds up during emotional stress. Crying also reduces your body’s manganese level which definitely impacts your mood.
If you find yourself easily frustrated standing in line at the grocery store and someone leaves their cart in front of you to go get something at the back of the store… cry.
If you are easily frustrated with calling for appointments at military installations… cry.
If you are frustrated with family never coming to visit you especially when you are alone… cry.
If you are frustrated with something that happened at work or at home with your kids/animals… cry.
CRY. IT. OUT.
Its like therapy, only cheaper.
Each tear is emotional baggage leaving your body.
It shows you are human and that you care.
Being upset when the most important person in your life is gone shows that your military relationship means something to you. That you dont want anything to happen to them and that you want them a part of your every day life.
Having an occasional meltdown is healthy and normal.
Of course… You want to stay positive and avoid wallowing but when you love and carea bout someone, it’s natural to feel sadness over their absence.
It’s the truest feeling that you’re relationship is healthy and thriving.
Through these meltdowns you are learning more about yourself as well. You learn to calm yourself down… and that is huge right there… When the most important person in the world isn’t by your side.
Each time I “Lose it” during time away from my husband, I come out stronger. My guess is that you do to.
Believe me when I say this:
A good deployment meltdown only means one thing: YOU GOT THIS.
I am not excessively concerned with material possessions as much as I was a month or two ago. This change has happened, I am aware of it, and it happened fast.
Americans are spenders. Now that I live in Portugal, I cannot believe how HIGH PRICED life is in America. I cannot get over how cheap everything is over here. From eating out, to groceries, to shopping, to traveling- including flights. We have saved the most money we ever have in a month.
I know, I know… I can hear people saying we are getting paid more because of being over seas.Blah blah blah, mumble under your breath all you want about this blog post. But, we are saving more than ever because of 1 thing.
We are less Materialistic all of a sudden.
…PLUS, I would rather buy a trip rather than possessions...
It’s a black hole in life. And everyone gets sucked in. You become dissatisfied with your current possessions and want to buy new things. You purchase these new items to be happy and get rid your old products. Or even… the things you don’t like anymore just start piling up in your house.
Cars, clothes, house goods, cell phones, hats, shoes… everything.
This is very very relieving to me because I no longer base my happiness on my possessions. When I sold our house in Virginia, the day after we were under contract I had a massive garage sale and sold everything. Boy- that was the changing point.
Down sizing felt like a drug high lol! I didn’t need 3 wreaths, I didn’t need 3 pairs of knee high boots, I didn’t need 5 mirrors as decorations. I didn’t need… I could go on forever. GET RID OF IT.
Decorations are my down fall. You DON’T need them. You WAN’T them. Sad to see them go but it feels good.
Whether my bank account has a lot or a little money, it doesn’t change the way I feel about myself. I am going to survive tomorrow. Whether I’m wearing fancy or simple clothes, it doesn’t change how I feel about myself. Half the time, I’m in my favorite yoga pants from Walmart that I wash every other day. Yes- Walmart. Regardless of what I wear or what I have, it doesn’t affect how I feel anymore.
The thing that mind boggles me the most now that we are over here is…. vehicles.
Long story short, I wrecked my husbands truck when he was deployed HAHA! Of course, everything happens when your airman is gone. I felt absolutely awful about his truck. So I bought him a new one. A brand new Chevy. We had $800 in car payments for two newer cars when I was the only one home at the time. What was I thinking. Doesn’t matter if he was home or not… car payments are MATERIALISTIC. There’s really no way around them; however… You need a vehicle… But we went from this gorgeous truck to this little beater volkswagen golf:
… and are happier than ever on our little island. Saving tons of money. We could have shipped vehicles here for free though the military. But we decided to go the less materialistic way. We don’t need something to show that we are making good money. Should we even ship the golf to Germany? WE MAY!
Even though this picture explains why being materialistic is TOUGH in military life… Yikes, want your prized possessions on that boat… Jokes aside.
Things that have helped me while Ive been here:
Limit television… SO HARD. But I really haven’t had an option. We don’t get TV in Portugal. Ad’s aren’t reaching me. I am not becoming less satisfied with things I already have.. comparing my things to new things.
Limit magazines as books/reading material… Omg. WHY was I buying $5 magazines that I would read in one night laying in the bath. Just to make myself feel awful of the things I already had and thinking about new products I wanted.
Don’t go to the mall or walmart. You know you end up with too much. Every. Time… Order things on an app.
Declutter. Throw away everything in your attic. Im serious. Throw away all but 2 jackets. Throw away the 6 cooking spoons when only 1 will do the job. Throw away extra things. AND DONT HAVE YOUR HUSBAND HELP. DONT TELL HIM YOU’RE EVEN DOING IT. Throw it away.
I wish before this move, and before learning it through experience, that someone told me to change. Maybe after you read this you can make the change if you think you’re materialistic, like I used to be. Just remember, at your funeral, NO ONE is going to stand up and say “She had a really nice couch and car and clothes”.Don’t make life about stuff.
What are you supposed to do when you need to move to a new house, to a place you’ve never been before. Let alone an island in Europe?!
When your significant other receives orders for the military its called a PCS. Permanent Change of Station. PCS’s are not easy. PCS’s are stressful and TONS of work. Sometimes your husband has to report to an area before you have left the old house. You are alone and waiting for the movers to arrive and pack you stuff. Sometimes he is present to help. I know people who have moved over 15 times, I know people who have moved just a couple times. Either amount of number, it doesn’t get easier. It just gets more efficient. Emotions come with every move.
When Del received orders to move to the Azores in Portugal. Our first thought was we will 100% utilize Military housing since this location will only be a year!
But… This particular military base closed down housing. They don’t even have dorms. Only a handful of Portuguese Air Men live on base. The American Air Men have to find their own place to live.
Yikes, Where to start…
Del thought he would live in an AirBNB for a year. But it would add up to way too much money. We didn’t know where to even start looking.
God works in mysterious ways. More like saying “The World really is a small world”. You always even up finding someone who has connections.
I posted on Facebook that Del was going on this short tour. I immediately received a message from a mother of one of my previous kindergarten students who I taught in Montana. She happened to be stationed at Lajes in the Azores years ago before they made this base family “unaccompanied”. She promised everything will work out. She happened to have a friend of a friend whose husband was here for a short tour. She connected us in a group message.
I made a connection with Jessica immediately. She happened to be on the island with her kids visiting her husband for a month. I immediately asked where they were staying AND what they were driving. She sent me pictures of everything.
Within an hour- I committed to renting their house and buying their island bomber (an old Volkswagon- AWESOME!!!) for Del.
Del messaged the Landowner- Sergio- and set up a date and time to see the house. He officially committed once he was here on the island in June.
Here are the pictures of our wonderful, temporary, little island home. It is a “Minimalistic” type of year. We don’t have a lot. On purpose. I sent pictures and frames with Del so we would have a few things to make it home. Everything else can be bought again. It’s honestly perfect and easy to clean and organize! It is a STRESS FREE Home. We will only be here for 10 more months until we need to find a 4 year home in Germany.
TRUST YOUR JOURNEY
If I had to give a new military wife advice, I would tell her to breath. To TRASH stuff that you haven’s used in a year. Limit it at a year. If you didn’t use it, you don’t need it to live. Sell things on Facebook and in your yard. Do not over pack. You can get new things at your new location. No matter where you are in the world, there will be bedding, kitchen supplies, furniture, and bathroom essentials. If you do move stuff, do not stress the small things. What makes it makes it, what doesn’t doesn’t. You are alive and breathing and thats what you need to remember. If you haven’t seen the house you are moving into, relax. When you get there and if you like it- GREAT. If you get there and do not like it, move. Just Breath and trust your journey. #JUSTGO
Just Go… Even if you are not allowed to. Just Go… Even if you have never been there before. Just Go… Even if you are already settled in life. Just Go… even though there is a long list of things to get done before you leave. Just Go… when your mom and mother in law say so. (They always know best)
“Just Go” has been my go-to saying for the past two months.
Our Wedding in Montana.
My husband, Del, is in the United States Air Force. He has been in since December of 2014. We were married in June of 2014. We had our first baby June of 2015 and our second baby August of 2017. Being in the Air Force, we have been apart a lot. We have only celebrated 1 out of 5 wedding anniversaries together. He has missed birthdays, holidays, recitals, concerts, moments I needed to celebrate for my career. Simply put, we have been apart a lot. This comes with the commitment to military.
In November of 2018, Del was told that he would be leaving on a short tour. The words short tour is totally opposite of what it means. It is not short, and it is not a wonderful “tour” of somewhere you have never been. It is a yearlong assignment of working full time in a foreign land.
In this case, the foreign land Lajes Air Base. In the Azores. In Portugal.
Praia de Vitoria, Terceira, Azores, Portugal. Where he was going.
Where the hell is Lajes. What are the Azores? And how do you even pronounce “Lajes”?
(It took me a week to get the word out fluently)
When he received this assignment, I kept it to myself for about a month. Being in the Air Force, you learn that nothing is real until it happens. Not to get your hopes up or hopes down. He was excited (of course- men don’t understand a woman’s emotions). Everyone told him this place was a once in a lifetime place to live. I was dying inside though.
It finally became “orders”. Official orders. We were really
going to go through with this job assignment. His follow on, where we will meet
up after the short tour, was also attached to the orders. We would be meeting
up in Kaiserslautern, Germany after the year being apart.
The official orders broke me down to tears. HUGE CHANGE is
coming.
I haven’t mentioned that I am a teacher. No matter what, I show up to work with a smile and excited to turn on lightbulbs with 5-6 year old kindergarteners. I was energetic, happy, reading books with so much character, making the kids laugh and giving them as much love as I could… But deep down I was depressed. I would put my face in front of my air vents in my car to dry my wet eyes before walking into work about 3 out of 5 days a week.
How am I supposed to live a year without my best friend, my lover, my protector. How was I supposed to work full time, get the kids to two separate daycares every morning, pick them up after a long days work, get them fed, bathed, asleep WHILE taking care of my self. How was I supposed to stay home and keep to my introverted self when I have fall of my in-laws 5 minutes away and I desperately needed loving interaction. I was depressed thinking about it and it hadn’t even started yet. I didn’t want the day of him leaving to come so I ignored everything about the Short Tour. I refused to google Lajes. I refused to google the island. I refused to bring it up on my own to anyone asking how I was.
But the week of him coming eventually came.
I was depressed and panicked about “when am I going to see him again”. People would ask me that question, which is not easy to answer being a Military Wife. The answer was I DON’T KNOW WHEN. Which people would look at me like… How do you not know…
So being panicked, I booked a flight to see him a few days before he left. It was my first moment of Just Go. I booked it for the end of July. A month before I had to go back to work. I would be there for a week while my amazing In-Laws would be watching out 2 kids. I am more than lucky to have them 5 minutes from me. No one had to travel to me to help me out. I literally dropped the kids off at their house the night before my flight. Which made my decision of “Just Go” more simple.
But there is more to this blog post than “Just Going” for a
week.
Like I said, I was depressed. I love Del more than myself. I
love him unconditionally. I love him in my dreams and when I am awake. I cannot
say it enough. I love him. I was depressed that I would be going 52 weeks without
him.
He left for Lajes when I was in my last week of teaching for the school year.
Norfolk, Virginia. Tough to smile when he is leaving for a year.
That week went very smooth being alone. My mom came the day school was out for the summer. Long story short with my mom- She was battling a blood infection when she came to visit me and the kids. We didn’t want to go out a lot because she needed to stay healthy and let the antibiotics work their magic. So I stayed home all day with her. The kids loved having Gaga there, I loved having my momma there, but it wasn’t my husband. She saw that I was depressed.
There was one particular night that I was trying to cry myself to sleep but I couldn’t gather myself. I went to our spare bedroom where my mother was. She saw how BIG OF A MESS I was, and it was only week two. I laid it all on her. I laid all of my pros being alone and all of my cons being alone. She sat and listened. She’s honestly one of the only people I know who sits backs and listens. Awkward silence doesn’t exist with her. She lets me talk. She knows when I am done and them speaks up. This night, when she spoke up she said….
Just go.
Move to Lajes. Who cares if it is unaccompanied orders. If
you can move there, Just go. Pay for it. Leave your job to be with him. Just go
and be happy. Just go and be with your family of 4.
That was the beginning of this story.
I CHOSE TO GO. I CHOSE TO UPROOT MY LIFE AND MOVE TO PORTUGAL. WHY NOT?!!
Last hugs in the home I brought them to as itty bitty newborns.
I put the house up for sale with a realtor on a Friday morning. By Friday night, my house was under contract. HOLY MOLY- What a sign from God. We agreed to close in a month. Houses usually close around 60-90 days. Mine was 30 days. Perfect. What did I need to deal with next?
When I found out the house was under contract that Friday night, I had a garage sale that Saturday and Sunday. JUST GO for it. I didn’t hold back. I thought about shipping everything to Germany when the time came. I thought about possibly having damaged goods, broken goods, stolen/lost goods, and I realized I didn’t want to have to deal with filing claims and not getting the money we deserved back. So, I sold everything up front. I made enough money to buy 3 international one-way flights to the Azores. I made enough money to even pay off a little bit of debt.
All we packed for the year. Hint: ALWAYS get a luggage cart. Don’t “Tough It” through an airport. ALWAYS make things easier.
I got rid of everything. Everything but our items that we are emotionally attached to. Our storage unit only has 2 mattresses, 2 bed frames, and some memorabilia that I won’t ever hand off. I legitimately sold everything and then took a couple car full of items to the storage unit.
I went into my school district office and turned in my badge
and computer and then went into my school and said an emotional goodbye to my
amazing principal and my amazing teacher’s aide who became my best friend over
the years.
As far as selling the house, it was not easy and was not completely
smooth. I had to sign everything with a Power of Attorney since Del was not
present. Furthermore, the buyers wanted to fix dumb little things. I don’t have
time for little things. I don’t have time for contractors to work on the house
we aren’t going to be living in anymore. So, I used the excuse “Alone with two
kids” and “Time crunched to move to Portugal” and the buyers agreed to by as
is. I even sold the house without front door keys. Who knew where they went? Not
me. We never locked our door. All I turned over was the one garage door opener!
I got last appointments scheduled and taken care of for
myself and the kids. Shots were all up to date. Medications were picked up for
the year. And any important medical paperwork was in my hand.
I went to the local library and got passports for myself and
the two kids. I expedited the process, paid extra to receive them faster, and
prayed they would get here in time for our flights.
The worst part of this story. Our dogs. Our two black labs
that we have had for 8 and 6 years. Our two dogs that we bought with they were
8 weeks old. Our two dogs that my kids love so much. My kids lay on them, pull
their ears and tails, kiss them, play with them. What was I going to do with my
dogs?
This is a part of this story I have failed to mention to anyone because I still cry over what I have gone through. I feel like less than a person but hey, now that I know it worked out I’m opening up about it. I asked everyone in my family to take them. No one would. Everyone already has dogs. My two dogs would be too much for anyone to take on at a spur of the moment.
We could take the dogs to Germany after the year short tour
but finding a house to rent in Germany was near impossible with two big dogs.
Also, we are travelers. We are planning to travel every weekend while we are overseas.
Who is going to dog sit? Would the dogs be okay on a 10-hour flight? What about
being in confinement in Germany- the German vet withholds them to make sure
they aren’t bringing any diseases into their country. What about the cost of
having the dogs fly? Is this a little too much for a dog to be put through? I
made this decision with Del over the phone. They simply had to be adopted by
someone who will love them in the US. I was going to have to do this alone.
So, I bawled my eyes out filling out Lab Rescue forms to
surrender them to new owners. I COULD NOT drop them off at the pound. I had to
have them in good hands. I had to choose who took them. I had to give the
people their dog food bowls, their balls and beanie babies, their kennels,
their leases and collars. I had to find someone fast to help me out.
The Lab Rescue of Greater Richmond contacted me through the forms I filled out and set up an in-home visit. A lady came to see our puppies at home and how they were behaved. She said she never has seen Labs be more impeccably behaved. They sat, they kissed, they high-fived and shook, they layed down, they showed the lady that they go outside to go potty. Made me cry because the pups didn’t know why the lady was there. I felt so guilty. When she left, I laid on the floor hugging them.
They were put up on the lab adoption pages on social media
and emails. There were over 100 likes on social media of strangers loving my
dogs, and over 40 comments of mostly women begging their significant other to
let them get the dogs. No one came through, however.
We were down to my last week of being home. I had an empty house, I had my passports, I was about to close the house at the lawyer’s office to hand over our 1 garage door opener, our suitcases were packed, yet I still had the dogs. What was I going to do?!
God came through for me. A girl named Haley was so very kind enough to Foster my dogs when I left. When I met her, I had such a good vibe with her that I 100% trusted her. She took the dogs to her home a few days before our flights. A few days after our flights, the dogs were adopted into a forever home.
I keep telling myself, people who adopt old dogs have the biggest hearts. People who want someone else’s dogs rather than puppies truly are special people in this world. Our dogs went to a Navy couple who were expecting their first baby and wanted trustworthy dogs. My dogs couldn’t have been a more perfect puzzle piece. I PRAY that the new baby loves on them like my babies did.
I feel less of a human being after that situation. I never in a million years thought I would be able to do this to my dogs. I am in contact with the new family and they send me pictures. I cry. I dry my tears. I will always think of them as MY dogs and get choked up. They are my fur-babies, but my husband and my own kids mean more. The dogs will be okay. As long as I keep getting pictures of them laying in these people’s beds and on their couches! They definitely are well taken care of.
So I sold the house, paid off twenty thousand dollars in debt, resigned from teaching, surrendered the dogs, booked international flights, and now here we are…
First day back with Del. Standing on our new house’s beautiful patio.
You think the kids are happy?!
A family of 4 in Azores, Portugal. I have never been so happy in my heart with this huge decision.
I texted my mom and mother in law a few days after I got here:
“I truly am proud of myself for doing this all by myself. I have been though a lot the past month, and I feel like I deserve this piece of paradise. I have felt myself transform as a woman. Other than my wedding day, my two children’s births, this has been one of the happiest moments of my life. I am so in love with Del and I am so happy to be back with him, with the kids, in a once of a lifetime location.”
We will be here until June 2020, and in Germany July 2020.
Just Go… Even if you are not allowed to. Just Go… Even if you have never been there before. Just Go… Even if you are already settled in life. Just Go… even though there is a long list of things to get done before you leave. Just Go… when your mom and mother in law say so.
Keep an eye on our travels! Now that we are in Europe, our goal is to save save save and travel travel travel. I will teach you my ins and outs of making it to new countries within budget- EH- A little bit over budget!
Rocking Bryces 